Living the Questions

Came across a quote that shook me. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”― Rainer Maria Rilke

This couldn't have been more on time for me. I have a lot of unresolved things in my heart as do most people if not all of us, but I had been breaking my neck and getting upset over the fact that sometimes answers just don't arrive. Sometimes even to a point of being mad at God, feeling like He owes it to me to give me answers. But reading this opened my eyes to the possibility of fully doing life without them, fully LIVING even with all that's unresolved, of cause I hope they do arrive, but while they are on the way I want to live. Shux!! Looked back even at the living I missed out on particularly last year December, this was the time I was making a decision to change degrees. I had all sorts of questions, why I had gone through the four years, why I didn't meet with myself sooner, why I had allowed myself to be so unhappy for so long even why I didn't come from a rich family, lol! All these 'whys" were giving me sleepless nights, I felt less, I felt picked on when all I needed to do was just LIVE. This notion of living of cause is not to say it will be easy and smooth sailing but for me it means to not obsess over the unresolved, there are lots of other things I am sure about, my parents love me, God loves me and I have always come out on the other side a better me. I decided that I will not allow the unresolved to take my life over, I will LIVE. 

Sometimes all you need to do is REMEMBER.

It's been a very interesting couple of months. Going through things that had me on very high highs and incredibly low lows. It's crazy, Derek from Grey's Anatomy said once that "people sometimes do things that might kill them, but that doesn't mean they want to die" I find that to be disturbingly true. Like some situations you know are more dangerous than others but in that time you want to do them anyway. I just feel like we should all make decision we are comfortable living with, it's not about right and wrong, just whether or not we are willing to own that and have it attached to our list of things having done.
My mommy does this thing with me when I'm sad or down, she asks: "kganthe ke wena mang?" meaning "who are you?" to say whatever happens, remember who you are. I prayed the other night for God to tell me again some of the stuff He's told me about who I am. I needed Him to tell me again because forgetfulness is the cousin of fear. I'll admit that some decisions I've made were as a result of having forgotten who I am, once I remember I adjust. I love having the space to change my mind, to be able to turn around and try again, I think we all deserve that.