Let's Talk It Out

We were jamming with some friends the other day, to say it was deep is a huge understatement. Instead of just enjoying the depth and the music, I found myself in my head. 

So everyone who was in the room is a great vocalist, well with the exception of my one friend who is amazing at many other things, LOL! The point is everyone sang amazingly. As the jam session went, compliments were passed around, except no one had said anything nice to me yet. So I waited, with every contribution I made, I waited for someone to say something nice to me. Then it didn't happen.

I mean I think all the insecurities I've ever felt in my whole life just came and rested on my shoulders.

I thought about the time in primary school when our class had to be on some sort of duty for something and we had to put ourselves in groups, I was one of the people left unpicked and well, the teacher just sort of put me in a group of people who didn't seem pleased. Then I remembered High School SRC, all my friends made it in and I didn't. The crazy part is that as much as I was either last picked or not picked at all, each time at least one person will come to me and say something like "I can't believe you were not picked" This happened with both the group thing in primary school and the SRC thing in High School.

The biggest question I had was 'Why is it that people don't think that I'm able, like they seem to do with other people?' Like am I crazy for thinking that I'm awesome?! The more I thought about this the more I felt as though most of my life I've needed to fight to prove my greatness, to prove that I can do the job and do it well, I've always had to fight for a chance, and then I thought "Aaaarg Sabby!!! stop acting like a victim" I mean after all, it's not like I'm the only one who's ever had to fight. But then I thought more about it and there are people who just have "IT" naturally, whatever it is, like what must happen when the rest of us have to fight and some don't...I mean I feel like it's appropriate to say IT'S NOT FAIR.

However it always circles back to the reasons I do what I do. As much as it's great when people celebrate us, it will not always happen and I refuse to crawl into a hole of self pity each time it doesn't happen.

In primary school my mommy taught me a song that I would sing to myself each time I was picked on or just felt less, it said "I am what I am, I am what you see, and I am pretty happy when I look at me, even if I had the chance to change, this is how I'd stay, coz I know I'm really special in my own little way"