Decisions that matter.

I just remembered how I ended up with my hairdo.  I had been so tired of paying ridiculous amounts of money for hair but more than that I was going through so many changes. I felt I was in a space were I could express on the outside the liberation I felt on the inside.
I had wanted to cut my hair for a while but I was worried about the shape of my head, also I had seen how different I could look with every hairstyle I had done previously so I was concerned about how it would turn out. But the stubborn in me then wanted to prove to Lord knows who and perhaps even myself that I wasn't made by hair and that I could stick to decisions that I make.
Now I  absolutely love it.
As I'm typing this I recognise that moment as a small victory. I think we all have that one thing that isn't the easiest to overcome but we know that if we overcame it we can overcome anything...yeah! Although my hair isn't that thing, it is a step closer to my decisions translating to action.

Lessons I'll carry with me

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the realization that "lifetime people" can only be known retrospectively. At every change in ones life one has to allow people to choose to either stick around for the change or leave, it hurts but it's only fair, we all come into people's lives or allow them into our own for certain reasons and sometimes the reasons are the glue, should they shift we may no longer want to be a part of their lives, or at least not in the same way. Sometimes we are fortunate to have people who choose to stay through the changes.

Also having a hard time with accepting that I am responsible for how I feel. The fact that I feel something doesn't mean the feeling or actions inspired by the feeling is right. It's weird, sometimes we just choose the convenient emotion, in my experience anger is one emotion we are likely to choose when cornered or intimidated, when we could just decide to stay calm and find a solution that doesn't leave us scarred.

I've learnt that unless I'm actively doing something about it, I don't want it bad enough. So I spend some time working on my mindset, getting hungry, kinda like the 5 minutes reading time in an exam, a little planning before committing to anything, planning that includes speaking to people who have succeeded at what I'm trying to do, don't know about yal but I'd rather have the truth, especially about the hardships relating to whatever I wanna do and not be shocked when or if it comes my way. I mean I also want to know about how I will reap the sweet fruits of my labour, but that's kinda set if I make it past the hardships.

Only God can love me absolutely unconditionally, I mean even my parents can get to a stage of just feeling like "seriously, get it together" So like I can't be expecting people to keep taking my crap, there will come a point where they've just had enough. 

Regret is a useless emotion. I mean, it's happened, let me rather work on how it can still contribute to the greater mission, if it can't, I should move on anyway, ticking it off the things having done list, seriously, I've gotta stop banging my head on thorny walls of regret, it's just pointless. yeah yeah! "easier said than done" Yes! but at least there's a point to doing a difficult thing that contributes to something, anything in this glorious life.

This is all I could remember for now.

Let's Talk It Out

We were jamming with some friends the other day, to say it was deep is a huge understatement. Instead of just enjoying the depth and the music, I found myself in my head. 

So everyone who was in the room is a great vocalist, well with the exception of my one friend who is amazing at many other things, LOL! The point is everyone sang amazingly. As the jam session went, compliments were passed around, except no one had said anything nice to me yet. So I waited, with every contribution I made, I waited for someone to say something nice to me. Then it didn't happen.

I mean I think all the insecurities I've ever felt in my whole life just came and rested on my shoulders.

I thought about the time in primary school when our class had to be on some sort of duty for something and we had to put ourselves in groups, I was one of the people left unpicked and well, the teacher just sort of put me in a group of people who didn't seem pleased. Then I remembered High School SRC, all my friends made it in and I didn't. The crazy part is that as much as I was either last picked or not picked at all, each time at least one person will come to me and say something like "I can't believe you were not picked" This happened with both the group thing in primary school and the SRC thing in High School.

The biggest question I had was 'Why is it that people don't think that I'm able, like they seem to do with other people?' Like am I crazy for thinking that I'm awesome?! The more I thought about this the more I felt as though most of my life I've needed to fight to prove my greatness, to prove that I can do the job and do it well, I've always had to fight for a chance, and then I thought "Aaaarg Sabby!!! stop acting like a victim" I mean after all, it's not like I'm the only one who's ever had to fight. But then I thought more about it and there are people who just have "IT" naturally, whatever it is, like what must happen when the rest of us have to fight and some don't...I mean I feel like it's appropriate to say IT'S NOT FAIR.

However it always circles back to the reasons I do what I do. As much as it's great when people celebrate us, it will not always happen and I refuse to crawl into a hole of self pity each time it doesn't happen.

In primary school my mommy taught me a song that I would sing to myself each time I was picked on or just felt less, it said "I am what I am, I am what you see, and I am pretty happy when I look at me, even if I had the chance to change, this is how I'd stay, coz I know I'm really special in my own little way"

Allow me to work it out

I've realised over a couple of days that most people want the chance to work things out for themselves. Some songs I've been listening to a lot speak of this.

Gregory Porter's Painted on Canvases: 

"We are like children, We're painted on canvases, Picking up shades as we go, We start off with gesso brushed on by people we know,Watch your technique as you go, Step back and admire my view
Can you use the colors I choose?, Do I have some say what you use?, Can I get some greens and some blues? We're made by the pigment of paint that is put upon, Our stories are told by our hues
Like Motley or Bearden, These masters of peace and life, Layers of colors and time, Step back and admire my view, Can I use the colors I choose?, Don't I have some say what you use?, Can't get some greens with my blues?"

Beyonce's Listen: 

"Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start but can't complete, Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only the beginning to find release, Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard, They will not be pushed aside and turned, Into your own all 'cause you won't Listen, I am alone at a crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home, And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind, You should have known
Oh, now I'm done believing you, You don't know what I'm feeling, I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me, But now I've gotta find my own."

There's a desire in all of us to be our own, to be allowed to be who we are, even at the point where you have no idea what that is, we all just know that "I want to be myself". The sort of dilemma, were we might feel like we  are not allowed, comes often times from the people that care about us, their desire to protect us from some of the mistakes they've made, or how our parents have certain desires, hopes and dreams for us when we are born. Most of us get to this point of feeling like, I need to be given a chance to try figure this out and find out for myself and work it our for myself. "Can I use the colours I choose" from Gregory's song and "Now I've gotta find my own" from Beyonce. A common cry to be given a chance to walk our own journeys. I think it's something worth fighting for, we've gotta fight to work out our own journeys and walk them out.

It's a new day

I'm having a very slow day, feeling a little bleh...and when I feel like this I do a few things, I pray...usually ask God what's going on if I don't know the cause of the feeling, if I do then I ask what I'm suppose to take away from this gloomy feeling, I always feel like surely there's a reward for feeling so crappy, lol!. Then I read quotes and sometimes the Bible, but mostly quotes.
I read quotes because there is always someone out there able to put into such perfect English and grammatical order what I'm feeling... or so I thought.
Today I couldn't find a single accurate one, I mean some came close but it wasn't the one. Then for a while I felt tempted to settle for a close one, when I realized I had done that, I wanted to smack myself over the head. Like?! what was I doing? Then I realized this whole quote thing I do is so that I don't feel alone, like so much solace comes from knowing that I'm not the only human in existence feeling whatever I'm feeling at the time for reasons I can't always explain. The thing is that was also a way to just sort of feel better, without the discomfort of dealing or confrontation and all the nice things that are not so nice to do with getting to healing, if feeling better is all I can possibly get out of a sucky situation, I mean God and I would have a bone to pick. So none of that stuff anymore. Today I get to face myself, the feelings and possibly not resolving them today, today I get to live the questions.

Living the Questions

Came across a quote that shook me. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”― Rainer Maria Rilke

This couldn't have been more on time for me. I have a lot of unresolved things in my heart as do most people if not all of us, but I had been breaking my neck and getting upset over the fact that sometimes answers just don't arrive. Sometimes even to a point of being mad at God, feeling like He owes it to me to give me answers. But reading this opened my eyes to the possibility of fully doing life without them, fully LIVING even with all that's unresolved, of cause I hope they do arrive, but while they are on the way I want to live. Shux!! Looked back even at the living I missed out on particularly last year December, this was the time I was making a decision to change degrees. I had all sorts of questions, why I had gone through the four years, why I didn't meet with myself sooner, why I had allowed myself to be so unhappy for so long even why I didn't come from a rich family, lol! All these 'whys" were giving me sleepless nights, I felt less, I felt picked on when all I needed to do was just LIVE. This notion of living of cause is not to say it will be easy and smooth sailing but for me it means to not obsess over the unresolved, there are lots of other things I am sure about, my parents love me, God loves me and I have always come out on the other side a better me. I decided that I will not allow the unresolved to take my life over, I will LIVE. 

Sometimes all you need to do is REMEMBER.

It's been a very interesting couple of months. Going through things that had me on very high highs and incredibly low lows. It's crazy, Derek from Grey's Anatomy said once that "people sometimes do things that might kill them, but that doesn't mean they want to die" I find that to be disturbingly true. Like some situations you know are more dangerous than others but in that time you want to do them anyway. I just feel like we should all make decision we are comfortable living with, it's not about right and wrong, just whether or not we are willing to own that and have it attached to our list of things having done.
My mommy does this thing with me when I'm sad or down, she asks: "kganthe ke wena mang?" meaning "who are you?" to say whatever happens, remember who you are. I prayed the other night for God to tell me again some of the stuff He's told me about who I am. I needed Him to tell me again because forgetfulness is the cousin of fear. I'll admit that some decisions I've made were as a result of having forgotten who I am, once I remember I adjust. I love having the space to change my mind, to be able to turn around and try again, I think we all deserve that.