Decisions that matter.

I just remembered how I ended up with my hairdo.  I had been so tired of paying ridiculous amounts of money for hair but more than that I was going through so many changes. I felt I was in a space were I could express on the outside the liberation I felt on the inside.
I had wanted to cut my hair for a while but I was worried about the shape of my head, also I had seen how different I could look with every hairstyle I had done previously so I was concerned about how it would turn out. But the stubborn in me then wanted to prove to Lord knows who and perhaps even myself that I wasn't made by hair and that I could stick to decisions that I make.
Now I  absolutely love it.
As I'm typing this I recognise that moment as a small victory. I think we all have that one thing that isn't the easiest to overcome but we know that if we overcame it we can overcome anything...yeah! Although my hair isn't that thing, it is a step closer to my decisions translating to action.

Lessons I'll carry with me

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the realization that "lifetime people" can only be known retrospectively. At every change in ones life one has to allow people to choose to either stick around for the change or leave, it hurts but it's only fair, we all come into people's lives or allow them into our own for certain reasons and sometimes the reasons are the glue, should they shift we may no longer want to be a part of their lives, or at least not in the same way. Sometimes we are fortunate to have people who choose to stay through the changes.

Also having a hard time with accepting that I am responsible for how I feel. The fact that I feel something doesn't mean the feeling or actions inspired by the feeling is right. It's weird, sometimes we just choose the convenient emotion, in my experience anger is one emotion we are likely to choose when cornered or intimidated, when we could just decide to stay calm and find a solution that doesn't leave us scarred.

I've learnt that unless I'm actively doing something about it, I don't want it bad enough. So I spend some time working on my mindset, getting hungry, kinda like the 5 minutes reading time in an exam, a little planning before committing to anything, planning that includes speaking to people who have succeeded at what I'm trying to do, don't know about yal but I'd rather have the truth, especially about the hardships relating to whatever I wanna do and not be shocked when or if it comes my way. I mean I also want to know about how I will reap the sweet fruits of my labour, but that's kinda set if I make it past the hardships.

Only God can love me absolutely unconditionally, I mean even my parents can get to a stage of just feeling like "seriously, get it together" So like I can't be expecting people to keep taking my crap, there will come a point where they've just had enough. 

Regret is a useless emotion. I mean, it's happened, let me rather work on how it can still contribute to the greater mission, if it can't, I should move on anyway, ticking it off the things having done list, seriously, I've gotta stop banging my head on thorny walls of regret, it's just pointless. yeah yeah! "easier said than done" Yes! but at least there's a point to doing a difficult thing that contributes to something, anything in this glorious life.

This is all I could remember for now.

Let's Talk It Out

We were jamming with some friends the other day, to say it was deep is a huge understatement. Instead of just enjoying the depth and the music, I found myself in my head. 

So everyone who was in the room is a great vocalist, well with the exception of my one friend who is amazing at many other things, LOL! The point is everyone sang amazingly. As the jam session went, compliments were passed around, except no one had said anything nice to me yet. So I waited, with every contribution I made, I waited for someone to say something nice to me. Then it didn't happen.

I mean I think all the insecurities I've ever felt in my whole life just came and rested on my shoulders.

I thought about the time in primary school when our class had to be on some sort of duty for something and we had to put ourselves in groups, I was one of the people left unpicked and well, the teacher just sort of put me in a group of people who didn't seem pleased. Then I remembered High School SRC, all my friends made it in and I didn't. The crazy part is that as much as I was either last picked or not picked at all, each time at least one person will come to me and say something like "I can't believe you were not picked" This happened with both the group thing in primary school and the SRC thing in High School.

The biggest question I had was 'Why is it that people don't think that I'm able, like they seem to do with other people?' Like am I crazy for thinking that I'm awesome?! The more I thought about this the more I felt as though most of my life I've needed to fight to prove my greatness, to prove that I can do the job and do it well, I've always had to fight for a chance, and then I thought "Aaaarg Sabby!!! stop acting like a victim" I mean after all, it's not like I'm the only one who's ever had to fight. But then I thought more about it and there are people who just have "IT" naturally, whatever it is, like what must happen when the rest of us have to fight and some don't...I mean I feel like it's appropriate to say IT'S NOT FAIR.

However it always circles back to the reasons I do what I do. As much as it's great when people celebrate us, it will not always happen and I refuse to crawl into a hole of self pity each time it doesn't happen.

In primary school my mommy taught me a song that I would sing to myself each time I was picked on or just felt less, it said "I am what I am, I am what you see, and I am pretty happy when I look at me, even if I had the chance to change, this is how I'd stay, coz I know I'm really special in my own little way"

Allow me to work it out

I've realised over a couple of days that most people want the chance to work things out for themselves. Some songs I've been listening to a lot speak of this.

Gregory Porter's Painted on Canvases: 

"We are like children, We're painted on canvases, Picking up shades as we go, We start off with gesso brushed on by people we know,Watch your technique as you go, Step back and admire my view
Can you use the colors I choose?, Do I have some say what you use?, Can I get some greens and some blues? We're made by the pigment of paint that is put upon, Our stories are told by our hues
Like Motley or Bearden, These masters of peace and life, Layers of colors and time, Step back and admire my view, Can I use the colors I choose?, Don't I have some say what you use?, Can't get some greens with my blues?"

Beyonce's Listen: 

"Listen to the song here in my heart, A melody I start but can't complete, Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only the beginning to find release, Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard, They will not be pushed aside and turned, Into your own all 'cause you won't Listen, I am alone at a crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home, And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind, You should have known
Oh, now I'm done believing you, You don't know what I'm feeling, I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me, But now I've gotta find my own."

There's a desire in all of us to be our own, to be allowed to be who we are, even at the point where you have no idea what that is, we all just know that "I want to be myself". The sort of dilemma, were we might feel like we  are not allowed, comes often times from the people that care about us, their desire to protect us from some of the mistakes they've made, or how our parents have certain desires, hopes and dreams for us when we are born. Most of us get to this point of feeling like, I need to be given a chance to try figure this out and find out for myself and work it our for myself. "Can I use the colours I choose" from Gregory's song and "Now I've gotta find my own" from Beyonce. A common cry to be given a chance to walk our own journeys. I think it's something worth fighting for, we've gotta fight to work out our own journeys and walk them out.

It's a new day

I'm having a very slow day, feeling a little bleh...and when I feel like this I do a few things, I pray...usually ask God what's going on if I don't know the cause of the feeling, if I do then I ask what I'm suppose to take away from this gloomy feeling, I always feel like surely there's a reward for feeling so crappy, lol!. Then I read quotes and sometimes the Bible, but mostly quotes.
I read quotes because there is always someone out there able to put into such perfect English and grammatical order what I'm feeling... or so I thought.
Today I couldn't find a single accurate one, I mean some came close but it wasn't the one. Then for a while I felt tempted to settle for a close one, when I realized I had done that, I wanted to smack myself over the head. Like?! what was I doing? Then I realized this whole quote thing I do is so that I don't feel alone, like so much solace comes from knowing that I'm not the only human in existence feeling whatever I'm feeling at the time for reasons I can't always explain. The thing is that was also a way to just sort of feel better, without the discomfort of dealing or confrontation and all the nice things that are not so nice to do with getting to healing, if feeling better is all I can possibly get out of a sucky situation, I mean God and I would have a bone to pick. So none of that stuff anymore. Today I get to face myself, the feelings and possibly not resolving them today, today I get to live the questions.

Living the Questions

Came across a quote that shook me. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”― Rainer Maria Rilke

This couldn't have been more on time for me. I have a lot of unresolved things in my heart as do most people if not all of us, but I had been breaking my neck and getting upset over the fact that sometimes answers just don't arrive. Sometimes even to a point of being mad at God, feeling like He owes it to me to give me answers. But reading this opened my eyes to the possibility of fully doing life without them, fully LIVING even with all that's unresolved, of cause I hope they do arrive, but while they are on the way I want to live. Shux!! Looked back even at the living I missed out on particularly last year December, this was the time I was making a decision to change degrees. I had all sorts of questions, why I had gone through the four years, why I didn't meet with myself sooner, why I had allowed myself to be so unhappy for so long even why I didn't come from a rich family, lol! All these 'whys" were giving me sleepless nights, I felt less, I felt picked on when all I needed to do was just LIVE. This notion of living of cause is not to say it will be easy and smooth sailing but for me it means to not obsess over the unresolved, there are lots of other things I am sure about, my parents love me, God loves me and I have always come out on the other side a better me. I decided that I will not allow the unresolved to take my life over, I will LIVE. 

Sometimes all you need to do is REMEMBER.

It's been a very interesting couple of months. Going through things that had me on very high highs and incredibly low lows. It's crazy, Derek from Grey's Anatomy said once that "people sometimes do things that might kill them, but that doesn't mean they want to die" I find that to be disturbingly true. Like some situations you know are more dangerous than others but in that time you want to do them anyway. I just feel like we should all make decision we are comfortable living with, it's not about right and wrong, just whether or not we are willing to own that and have it attached to our list of things having done.
My mommy does this thing with me when I'm sad or down, she asks: "kganthe ke wena mang?" meaning "who are you?" to say whatever happens, remember who you are. I prayed the other night for God to tell me again some of the stuff He's told me about who I am. I needed Him to tell me again because forgetfulness is the cousin of fear. I'll admit that some decisions I've made were as a result of having forgotten who I am, once I remember I adjust. I love having the space to change my mind, to be able to turn around and try again, I think we all deserve that.

Some free pointers.

A couple of things I've realized...

Effort will get anyone a long way in relationships. People just want to know that they are a priority in your life. It's not about moving mountains and being overly out there in your love expressions, it's really just to show that you actually just plain and simple, care. 
I was wondering why it is that there are people in my life that I don't have to see often for us to keep the fire burning, then there are those that when absent it seems they are absent from my life. I mean...a text, a tweet, a facebook post...something to say that somewhere in your universe people still exist.
Another really useful thing is to call things for what they are even when they sound messed up.  There's this thing that we do as people. We try to package manure in pretty little boxes covered in lace and pretty ribbons. Trouble is manure stays manure even when sugar coated. The stench will hit you even through that. 
When doing "otherwise" things knowingly and truthfully it's kinda like having a hangover the morning after a night out drinking. It's a price you know you gonna have to pay for a good time. Lying and playing dumb about the effects of alcohol for example doesn't make the hangover not happen, it just breaks your heart. So lying about the action doesn't make the consequences any less of what they'll be in any case.
One last thing...ask questions. You are not psychic, even if you're prophetic. Instead of deciding to be hurt by what someone said or did ask them what they actually intended. I'm not suggesting that you down play your hurt feelings. However in the same way that we all want to be judged for our intentions we should allow people a chance to explain theirs.
Ohh the real last thing...Don't play victim...tjuuu! People go as far with you as you allow (with the exception of things done to you at gun point) however you end up being treated is the things you've allowed. People aren't crazy, we all push boundaries and if people end up walking on your head (wrong as they are) you've either actively or passively contributed, so take responsibility and make some changes in the things you allow.

Open-Mindedness of children.

In a lot of my spare time I read quotes and decide what book by whom I'd like to read next based on that. I came across a quote by Brennan Manning...

“If we maintain the open-mindedness of children, we challenge fixed ideas and established structures, including our own. We listen to people in other denominations and religions. We don't find demons in those with whom we disagree. We don't cozy up to people who mouth our jargon. If we are open, we rarely resort to either-or: either creation or evolution, liberty or law, sacred or secular, Beethoven or Madonna. We focus on both-and, fully aware that God's truth cannot be imprisoned in a small definition. ” 
― Brennan Manning

I got stuck at "...we don't find demons in those with whom we disagree. We don't cozy up to people who mouth our jargon..." It is incredibly easy to do that. Shux! That silly human desire for comfort. God isn't intimidated by anything, not a thought, not a question. Sometimes we put on this 'know it all' thing out and that thing makes this beautiful God unattractive. We make Christianity look like this difficult thing, where we make it look like you need to earn your keep, bombarding people with what we think we know. I've found things to make the most sense in spaces where I've made a thing about just God and I. When I'm more concerned with what God thinks and not what people think. Don't get me wrong, people and relationships are great but we need to be very clear on the voice we follow. When it's all said and done there will be no pointing of fingers, we just need to get into a habit of making decisions based on our own conclusions. A lesson I'm also still learning, to not put on God the error of people. That will only leave us bitter and resenting God for things He never said or required of us.

"...God's truth cannot be imprisoned by a small definition..."

Bravery isn't momentary!

So its second semester day 3 and I'm feeling a little spent already. I was so excited to be back. Upon my return I came to a huge realization. I've heard it said before but it became true in my life. Whatever you do to get something, you have to continue doing to keep  it. So my fight to get into studying what I want and love needs to happen every single day. 

This does not mean that it's always a painful fight, it just means that I will need to keep the same spirit and drive that I had to have to get it. No one tells you this. Bravery can't be momentary. That's the thing about us people with big dreams of change and ideas that shake things up. There will always be an easy way out or into something, the tricky part is choosing the thing that will best contribute to what one is trying to get at.

So yes. As I soldier on! 

The Art education...

So we are 6 months into the year and I'v got about 15 weeks of formal music education under my belt. It feels good, I feel that I'm en route to where I need to be. I however feel like Art can't be taught as a rigid thing, in a do this or that or you're screwed sort of fashion. I mean I get that is has an originating source and so on, especially music. But most of us chose Jazz for the freedom. I wanna still be myself after this degree, keep my own expression of music.
I think I understand why some artist don't like the education part of Art. I mean what does it mean about your Art when a mark is attached to it? I mean it's Art you know. So I've decided that I'm gonna make a separation between my marks and my music..My focus is growing as a musician and remaining myself, my biggest fear is becoming some version of my teachers...whooo! I mean they are great and everything but can I just remain Sabby?!

Things have changed...(a)

So much has changed in my life, I have to pause sometimes and work out what's what. I'm now studying music!! It's been really interesting on many levels. The academic material has been challenging but I'm so drawn to it, I want to know more, experience more- so amazing. People's response to my decision has been all shades of interesting. Ranging from the motherly "you could have just finished, it's just one more year" almost suggesting that you just kind of rock up for a year and they hand you a degree! disregarding that a year is 365 days (well an academic year is less), consisting of every single lecture and tutorial I'm required to attend and time spent studying. The most common response has been "*sigh* at least you're doing what you love" as if to say I'm being foolish but shem at least I love my folly. For the people close to me it's kinda been "Oh my word! Finally" these are the people who saw the difference between life and death in my life on full display. It is rather sad how a lot of us are prepared to spend most of our lives doing stuff we don't like and all because of the biggest dream quencher- fear. My life is so uncertain at the moment, stripped off security- I don't even know how I'm gonna pay for my fees next year, lol! But all in or nothing right?